birdsite, habits
you can learn a lot about me by my self-deletion habits on twitter; a place where i was extremely performative initially, and still feel pressure to be for some reason
birdsite deletion habits
9 times out of 10, my deletions are jokes that i'm not 100% sure 100% of people will interpret as one
it bothers me a *lot* when i can't get my meaning across, literal or not, and even the slight risk of it happening with a joke makes me feel like it's not worth it a lot of the time
but why do i only worry about that specifically online there? i tell plenty of extremely bad jokes irl
birdsite deletion habits
maybe its my general suspicion of irony and poe's law?
the idea that i have no say in the general perception of my meanings, even if I know exactly what they were and others don't is intimidating
but not *that* intimidating, is it? why does it get to me so much?
do i really hate the idea that much of people coming to me years down the line to tell me that "actually, it's pronounced gif" or whatever?
birdsite deletion habits
maybe what i need is more practice being out there?
practice communicating, and practice with negative reactions--because i'm inevitably going to run into a lot of them in the future when i try to make things to help my friends
birdsite deletion habits, kink
maybe i think i need to behave "extra good" on the internet because i'm abdl?
and that, by being one, it makes me much more likely to be misinterpreted for reasons of malice down the line to hurt my friends and me for simply existing?
it's weird to not know the things you've internalized subconsciously; but if that's the case, it would make sense why i never let my guard down, even in super-casual and low-risk situations
but why to this *extent*? i don't get it