root beer barrel (??): 2/10 tastes like mouthwash + a room that has been tobacco smoked in; had to spit it out

"Argires snacks OUTRAGEOUSLY GOOD Utterly Addictive Cheddarcorn & Caramel" [sic]: 7/10 wow who knew synthetic orange colored american cheese works so well with caramel? was not expecting this. nice

chicago deep dish pizza: 5/10 was completely different from what i know back home (which is basically deep fried thick dough pizza) but was still....... not extremely good. way way wayyyy too much cheese, and i didn't like how the sauce and the cheese were completely separate???? still, way better than any other deep dish pizza i've had

why does every starbucks baked good taste like oranges 😩😩😩 4/10

pizza from a random place: i always thought it's meant as a joke when people say that something tastes like cardboard, but this pizza legit literally tasted like biting into a piece of cardboard. however it was barely just edible, and i haven't eaten enough today, soooo 3/10

twinkies: does not taste like a twink, but does actually taste very good regardless. i like the consistency of it i think? and i don't even like cake! 8/10

more than anything else: more than destructive notions of profit over people, more than hundreds of coups and proxy wars and countless dead worldwide, more than the invention of the car or the personal computer or the skyscraper -- the united states' biggest and most impactful contribution to the rest of the world is by far: the hamburger

the hamburger, almost always with fries, is one of my favorite foods in the world, and i have tasted both incredibly amazing hamburgers and unbelievably inedible hamburgers in my all too many days on this earth -- and i've seen fries ranging from the soggiest, flimsiest, burnt, cold tendrils that were once potatoes; all the way to perfect golden pieces of heaven incarnate, crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside, and ketchupped, mayonnaised, and salted to perfection.

and so, coming here, into the very belly of the beast, to the birthplace of such a wonderful food, one could imagine i'd be quite excited to try this famed favorite of mine! but will i discover that much like a lot of other things, hamburgers too are an american invention better done by other nations? or will the hamburgers in the land of hamburgers live up to the lofty expectations i hoisted upon them?

well, girls, gays, and theys, i am pleased to announce here live on our show, that except for exactly one case (in the middle of nowhere, comma, michigan, at the hotel convention place) -- every hamburger i've eaten so far in the usa, has been an absolute masterpiece.

10/10

thank you all for reading,
and god bless america