okay the thing about the lettuce: first of all, did you know? (I didn't!) that lettuce was first cultivated in ancient Egypt? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lettuce#History "Lettuce was considered a sacred plant of the reproduction god Min, and it was carried during his festivals and placed near his images. The plant was thought to help the god "perform the sexual act untiringly."[" (this will be important in the story!)
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@zebratron2084 YES. YES IT DOES. (see post)