mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
I'm just so tired of the social guessing games. I'm so tired of not knowing where I'm wanted and where I'm not. I'm so tired of never knowing if silence is just Seattle Freeze, someone drifting away from social media, or being done with me.
It sure didn't help to be told repeatedly by certain people that I'm fine, everything is fine, only to be told things were NOT indeed fine years later... and having the blade in my back be the first sign of it. >_<
I really don't know anymore. I'm skittish and afraid of... most of you, to be perfectly honest. I keep fighting the urge to run and hide, especially for fear of just redoubling someone's impression of me as a flake, someone who does this stuff for attention.
Honestly? I do it for the hope of some STABLE affection. It's not "oh my god, please invite me back." It's "it's safe over here in the dark and I can maybe wait it out until I get some clear signal from someone."
You can imagine what it was like for me in a household where, no matter how convinced I still am that everybody was doing the best available to them, the signals were NEVER clear.
And now, every time I go to talk to a friend, I'm just WAITING for that dead, awkward silence and another round of wondering if I should approach and try to be friendly, or take the hint and run screaming.
Right now? I'm dealing with it mostly by reverting to old version of myself, that dealt better with solitude. And taking refuge in Anthracite and her Zen-like draconic indifference to most of the stupid things I do. <3 <3 <3 And I'm petting more cats. And I'm learning love work and writing and stuff. And I've been persuading myself, "Well, you can always fade from social media, ghost everybody, and start a new life."
But dammit, I don't WANT to. I just want to feel secure and safe again, and not spend EVERY social interaction wondering "Is this person trying to give me secret 'fuck of' signals? If I haven't heard from you in three months, should I just assume I fucked something up and you hate me now?"
I miss you, I miss storytelling, I miss the old friends I lost (or at least, the old versions of them that are gone forever?), I miss being able to approach you with my head held high, and I miss that sense that I had a truly reliable source of Changeling Chow. *hangs head*
But I can't play these guessing games anymore. And I'm up for ANY suggestion for a way out.
re: mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
Really? I just wanna see a goddamn scoresheet. I want to know if it's normal to have had this much drama in my life... if the ebb and flow of friendships over the years is normal or something wrong with me... if it's really possible (or even standard) for a well-intentioned person to fuck things up this badly.
I have no idea what par is. I've been stuck in the assumption that I basically did terribly with my 20s and 30s, managed to sabotage almost everything and everyone I cared about. But I've also been depressed long enough to know I can't trust *that* narrative, either.
I don't know. I'm so exhausted from not knowing. I just want to be patted on the head and told I'm all right... except that I don't trust THAT anymore either, and I'm (hopefully) done making people have to basically fight my inner demons for me.
I dunno. If anyone's reading any of this, thank you, it was genuinely not expected or required. I just have an awful lot of built-up emotional slag to dispose of somehow, and I really don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with it.
re: mh (~), yup still at it, all optional from this point...
Not to mention the question of "is it REALLY normal/OK/not hurting your opinion of me if I show up in your mentions now and then asking for emotional support?"
Everyone says yes. Not everybody actually _acts_ like it's OK in the moment. And I also don't know if my friends know the converse, which is that YOU ARE WELCOME TO IMPOSE ON ME IN THIS FASHION.
I wouldn't do it if I thought friends didn't have the general right to lean on each other. That is SUPPOSED to be reciprocated, and tbh, having my life degrade from "constantly being asked for chaplain services" to "nobody comes around anymore, guess I'll rake the chapel grounds again" has been really painful too...
