mood, mh (~), social, The Past, fandom, pf, cynical
It's nice to be able to sit here and take inventory of all the things I no longer have to give a shit about.
I may have built a small part of this circus. My name might still be on some of the rides, in cracked and peeling paint. But I've got no more monkeys to feed, and the only clown I have left to worry about is a pretty & reasonably lo-hijink dragon harlequin. She might perform occasional acts of glamour and illusion, but she almost never *honks*.
I get lonely sometimes but the quiet feels good, man. Maybe I'll swing by the big top incognito again one of these days. Just to make sure the lions are getting proper exercise. But I'm not gonna tell anyone who I am.
I'm sorely tempted to tell a maximum of three people when/if I visit Seattle.
re: mood, mh (~), social
Sorry if any of the above toot came off as callous. I'm just feeling a little cold and cut off today. I've been stressing myself out about the very likely event that when I finally do get out of New Orleans and spend a week or two at "home"... most of the things I originally fell in love with Seattle for will no longer be there, or will no longer exist for *me*... and I'm going to be putting a bunch of badly needed recuperation time into things that feel kinda distant and vestigial right now.
I still care about the people. When I get out there, I probably will break down and overextend myself like I always do. I'm just marveling at how different my life is now than it was then, and trying to find a silver lining in it. I miss the hell out of having any real sense of community with anybody. I miss the possibility of social connection and emotional intimacy. I don't miss the constant guessing games, heartbreaks, shyness bouts, and disappointments that got in the way of them.
I think I'm watching myself slough off some of my social development from the last 20 years, adapting to a life that's a lot like what it was in high school, mostly solitary give or take a couple of people. I'm not sure it's actually good for me, but it's good to ponder some of the hurt, and unreciprocated affection, and constant anxiety that I might finally get to leave behind.
I got hurt real bad in Seattle. That's complicated, because some people I really care about are still there, and then some more people that I would really care about if I had the faintest fucking idea where I stand with them. And I think for a moment I just found it comforting to think, "What if I just totally gave into this?" I still might, but I'd really like to find something better.
re: mood, mh (~), social
It also doesn't help that my current dominant inner narrative of what happened in Seattle is "well, number one, you weren't [young, cute, gay, colorful, fashionable, pagan, cheerful] enough to matter, once your usefulness to the community was exhausted..."
Have you ever been watching a mediocre Hollywood film and a scene lasted... way too long, and you find yourself about to scream "Cut to the next scene, already!" That's what life feels like right now. It's the eternal 10-minutes-of-Manos-driving-footage of the soul, and I'm just sitting here waiting for a plot point. I can't go back and there's not much to move on to.