it's weird and it says a lot about me... as i sit here stoned and reflective... that every time something beautiful and precious comes into my life, my thoughts turn first and foremost to HARROWING THOUGHTS OF DEATH AND LOSS.

Probably trauma from losing my dad so young. I dunno. I've been braced for another hammer blow out of nowhere since I was age 12.

So yeah, the kittens have me all reflective. Peg's playing with the other cats in the next room -- and holding goofy conversations -- and cruelly reminding me of all the reasons I'm so lucky and grateful to have her. And all I can think about is how much it's gonna suck to lose any part of it.

I am the worst worst worst Buddhist. (Luckily I am a tiger and thus all the Dharma _really_ expects out of me is to maul the occasional strawberry-thievin' Zen monk.)

Anyhow yeah in summary i really really really should have gotten more aerobic exercise in the last 45 years and i really hope i don't keel over and I should really get back on seeing a shrink about this stuff as soon as COVID and my insurance are straightened out... :p