dinks
Still grumpy through. Not much at all here to distract me, so I'm sitting here ruminating about the day that got me kicked out. I've got a lot of questions that just aren't gonna be dealt with, and probably shouldn't be anyhow.
But in the absence of those answers, my brain is filling in "because you suck" as the default for every empty blank.
That feels unfair, and I'm trying to convince my Id that unfairness is totally self-generated, nothing to resent anyone else for really.
dinks
There's this weak but persistent urge to just get home, pack up overnight, be moved out by 8 am with no assistance or contact, and just be... gone like people want.
Just maxx out the passive-aggression, do an "okay, you didn't want me? Kaboom, GONE, goodbye," and lay low in a several month hermitage until anyone actually misses me. Just to confirm that part of me was right, and nobody ever would.
I don't like this urge. I wouldn't be confessing it here, if I did, I'd just be doing it.
dinks
But it's been so painful just watching the household go on as normal, with several new-ish kink relations happening there that remind me constantly just what's been missing in my life, and just what the pursuit of that -- and the frustration and confusion at constantly missing the boat -- has apparently helped ruin.
I'm trying so damn hard to take the high road here. I've deliberately drunk down a lot of hurt, because the people on the other side of this have been nothing but kind...
dinks
But this still really hurts. And the way it's all shaking out, it feels like I'm gonna get very little closure on some of my own questions about what really happened and whether it was fair.
This was pretty much how it ended with Rik, too, and I was still reeling from a lot of the questions *they* left me with, and a few unkind things they said on the way out whose impact has never quite faded.
I can't pretend things are actually okay, but I refuse to become angry at anyone but myself.