fears
Someone -- Val, maybe? -- asked me months and months ago what my fears are.
I can tell you exactly. We've been over the death thing before. I don't fear death, but I do fear the suddenness of it and the idea that I could fail my friends and family AT ANY TIME because of the previous 20 years of bad health and neglect.
But that's not what I'm really afraid of. I'm terrified of the gap between what my friends will tell me about how they feel about me, and what they won't "to be polite."
fears
Both the current situation and my relationship with Rik went from "no, no, everything is fine, you worry too much" to "it's over, get the fuck out" EXTREMELY quickly... as far as I knew.
That's gonna fuck me up for a really long time. It was already pretty hard for me to trust people when they tell me things are okay. It's gonna be even harder from now on.
But even before that, it was hard for me not to assume there was a huge hidden gulf of pity and disappointment towards me out there.
fears
And it's even harder in a household full of people whom I loved dearly but were not always particularly good at giving nor picking up on social signals.
I rely on those signals, folks. I realized Something Was Wrong With Me socially, compared to the other kids, way back in elementary school.
And my solution was to police myself constantly, and watch for the subtle little gaps in the approving things people say and the not-as-approving things they actually do in response to me.
fears
That system broke down completely this month, and in response, I'm finding myself reverting to a lot of old habits from my teenaged years: introversion, clinginess, dissociation, obsessive-compulsive behavior, and especially, babbling far far too much information at people in a DESPERATE attempt to get some emotional telemetry.
That means silence right now is particularly painful for me, especially if I'm seeking reassurance, and I apologize in advance if I behave strangely because of it.
@Balinares Exactly what it says on the tin. :D
It's @zebratron2084!
@Balinares be warned that if you contact me any time soon you will probably be deluged with pleas for help translating the song i just posted because google translate has its head straight up its ass as usual :)
fears
@zebratron2084 Been There, Done That, Got Too Many Goddamn T-Shirts
much, much empathy.