angst and resignation
I'm so close to just packing it in and giving up on today. I got a marginal amount of work done. Spending the rest of the day in bed sounds really appealing.
Had a disheartening brawl with a couple gender essentialists who were harping on a stat argument that made no sense me. Got a bunch of snotty memes and mob tactics for my trouble.
angst and resignation
Meanwhile, my guilt and shame are shouting way over the muted voices of my friends. I feel like I'm just supposed to disappear and get out of Dodge for good, and I've been feeling withdrawn and lazy enough that this actually sounds like a pretty appealing idea.
I'm maintaining, as long as I don't think too hard about the awkwardness and fear attendant to checking in on old friends. Safer in the cave for now. No uncomfortable questions about me get answered here.
angst and resignation
I wouldn't say I'm self-destructive in the least when I'm like this. It's more like my favorite line from the 99p Challenge quiz show, where the panelists were charged with stopping the host from jumping off a building: "It's all right! You will die eventually! You just have to be a bit patient!"
Everything is converging nicely towards the big dramatic mass doom that I was secretly a bit hoping would come along and relieve me of the frustrations of being me.
angst and resignation
Except that's bullshit, of course. We're not gonna die in a nuclear firestorm -- Christ, the North Koreans can't EVEN reliably hit Guam right now. But I'll tell you, the Comrade Eeyore Brigade on Birdsite is not improving my mood or desire to persist one bit right now.
My feeling right now is that life is "good enough." There's no reason to fight for or against it. No plans, no energy, no fear, no desire to see anyone but Peggy, no desire to peek back in the anxiety closet.
angst and resignation
(This is of course not any lack of affection for anybody, just... yeah. Getting out to see people means exposing myself to other people's standards and having to actually put myself together and act like something resembling a person and I care about you all but that's just not something I'm interested in or comfortable with doing right now, when I have the option to just put my head down and work all day and ignore my current self-image as much as possible.)