depression
A friend just said the "true initiation never ends," and today I'm wondering if that's just not true and I'm not the counterexample.
I feel like that whole part of my life has just ground to a halt completely. It was waning, and now, at least for the moment, it's basically gone.
I'm just having a really bad brain day, feeling obsolete and superfluous and taken for granted on one hand, richly deserving of it on the other.
depression
#moodsnapshot: the old Spiderman meme that ends up "and I'm just sitting here masturbating."
I'm delighted that The Kids seem to be all right. There seems to be a lot of joy in this community still, and I see people doing a lot of amazing things.
I can't pretend they're not things I'd badly wanted, set out at some point in my life to get, and feel right now like I've botched utterly and, this time, permanently.
Thought I'd fixed this problem for good when I got a social circle. :|
depression
I needed a hand up for so long and never got one. Meanwhile, I see people getting full-fledged rescue missions. I'm not bitter, I'm just very heavily inclined to blame myself and start compulsively looking for some kind of deep inherent flaw.
After this round of rejections, I'm... I'm spending a lot more time looking myself over for Secret Hateful Things than I was. And I was already spending a lot of time on that.
I could really use a vacation from being me. A lengthy one.
depression
(er, sure as hell NOT that nobody tried... you did and i am suitably grateful, it's just that everything is fuel for the Melancholy Engine this morning... and fwiw, that's melancholy as explicitly opposed to, like, Despair or Self-Destruction, maybe 80-100 milliKafkas of background radiation)
depression
Correction: it's not that I didn't get offers of a hand up. It's just that nobody was strong enough to lift this 250 pounds of mental flab and accumulated ennui out of the water. It's sure as hell that nobody tried. It's just that people gave up one by one---and don't try to tell me that ain't true, because at least one told me that outright.
I'm willing to put forth the effort, but I really don't know the way back anymore. I'm ready to just settle in here in the woods for a while.