Feelings Dump 1/? (negative head space)
Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm just the 5 wheel in every aspect of my life. people I used to talk to on the daily have just disappeared from my life, groups I used to feel welcomed in and safe in are feeling more and more closed off and shut out to me.
Feelings Dump 2/? (negative head space)
Like, I see them enjoying themselves, having fun, enjoying stuff, and the like.
and I love that! it's good to see people I care about having a good time and improving their mental health.
but it feels like I'm no longer welcome to participate in that enjoyment. like when I do try to come in, that I suck out all the happiness from the room and everything just kinda ebbs away into nothing and all the interaction just dies.
the worse part is I'm don't know what to do to bring it back but to just stop trying to be apart of the group anymore and place myself into a self-imposed observation status for the sake of the people I want to be happy.
Feelings Dump 3/? (negative head space)
it's been, I don't know, a few months maybe? since I really started to backslide into my depression. normally when this happens I can just use my standard coping skills to bring myself back to an alright place.
but this time it just feels harder and harder to force myself to use them. my hobbies feel pointless, my life feels like I'm just running out the clock, and the worst part of all is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it that I trust anymore.
they have all moved on, or have made it clear that our friendship is no longer the same on their end, and I don't know what to do anymore to try and find new people or to try and repair what I already have.
Feelings Dump 4/? (negative head space)
the thing that illustrates to me just how bad off I am this time around, is this whole post.
the only outlet I have to get these feelings out in a way that might help make me feel better is on an account I barely post on, on a site I barely use and is still the only outlet I have left, because everyone that I would have talked to about this in the past is gone.
*sigh* I just want to feel happy again, and welcomed in the company of the people I love and respect.