So. Just caught up on @fluxom_alt 's writing of a decker's slippery and questionably enjoyed slip into drone hivemindery. It's a good read.

A fucking amazing one. There's feels I've had seriously and deeply reflected in it.

I wish my work was like that. Or rather, I know some of it is and I wish I could make more of that. I wish I felt confident in myself to pursue writing and not feeling like I'm just poorly following footsteps.

@fluxom_alt things u want to write feel like just revisiting old emotions. Desperately trying to find some way of sharing the rush of excitement I feel when a friend brushes so tenderly along my nerves I can't do anything but think of them.

I wish I had the confidence in myself, physically and emotionally, to be the dommy person people seem to see in me. Seem to like.

@fluxom_alt but then I find myself second guessing that. Why be what people want me to be?

Is it really that hard to see me outside of the reflections in other's eyes? Mirrors and photographs are just... Shape and color. Why even of me is there that isn't other people?

Why is it that 6am, after hours of wavering between crying and arrousal am I fucking even typing this out?

@fluxom_alt cause hey I just noticed I e been @ ing Lo though so...

Fuck does that hivemind seem appealing, the space our narrator is in at the end of chapter 4? I deeply wish I had that. The gap between me and us is always a strange one for my dumb plural brain and fuck would being semi-linked like that be an extremely welcome thing.

Does that make me weak? Is 82 less of a person than me now? I don't think so, but is that the envy talking?

Okay, let's stop harassing Lo.

I... I want to write. I want to be able to focus on things I care about. I know, and I'm going to be talking to my doctor about other meds or similar.

I have comics I want to draw, stories I want to write. But like, is that for wanting to create or wanting the reaction?

Is it normal to wonder if I'm only doing art for the reward? Not money, fuck capitalism, but the praise of having done good.

I don't draw for myself. I made a picrew thing... Because I wanted to see more people playing around with my dumb dragon race.

My twine game? I'm more interested in how people felt about it that how much I even liked it.

But like... Fuck it keeps going down this dumb hole. Am I just telling myself this because a tortured artist is more sympathetic than a depressed and generally lazy person?

@Draekos it's pretty believable to want to make that connection, for creativity to serve as a means for communicating your truest self to others, but it can only do so much, and then, there's nothing it can do to help them understand you in ways you don't even yet know yourself

how are you supposed to maintain an enthusiasm for the act of creation itself when it serves poorly to yield the results you actually want?

@pillowcat But that's.... almost the funny bit? I just... can't find the will to be creative for my own desires? I need some outside reason to do it?