Super late night, weird mental places.
So. Just caught up on @fluxom_alt 's writing of a decker's slippery and questionably enjoyed slip into drone hivemindery. It's a good read.
A fucking amazing one. There's feels I've had seriously and deeply reflected in it.
I wish my work was like that. Or rather, I know some of it is and I wish I could make more of that. I wish I felt confident in myself to pursue writing and not feeling like I'm just poorly following footsteps.
Super late night, weird mental places.
@fluxom_alt things u want to write feel like just revisiting old emotions. Desperately trying to find some way of sharing the rush of excitement I feel when a friend brushes so tenderly along my nerves I can't do anything but think of them.
I wish I had the confidence in myself, physically and emotionally, to be the dommy person people seem to see in me. Seem to like.
Super late night, weird mental places.
@fluxom_alt but then I find myself second guessing that. Why be what people want me to be?
Is it really that hard to see me outside of the reflections in other's eyes? Mirrors and photographs are just... Shape and color. Why even of me is there that isn't other people?
Why is it that 6am, after hours of wavering between crying and arrousal am I fucking even typing this out?
Super late night, weird mental places.
@fluxom_alt cause hey I just noticed I e been @ ing Lo though so...
Fuck does that hivemind seem appealing, the space our narrator is in at the end of chapter 4? I deeply wish I had that. The gap between me and us is always a strange one for my dumb plural brain and fuck would being semi-linked like that be an extremely welcome thing.
Does that make me weak? Is 82 less of a person than me now? I don't think so, but is that the envy talking?
Super late night, weird mental places.
Okay, let's stop harassing Lo.
I... I want to write. I want to be able to focus on things I care about. I know, and I'm going to be talking to my doctor about other meds or similar.
I have comics I want to draw, stories I want to write. But like, is that for wanting to create or wanting the reaction?
Is it normal to wonder if I'm only doing art for the reward? Not money, fuck capitalism, but the praise of having done good.
Super late night, weird mental places.
I don't draw for myself. I made a picrew thing... Because I wanted to see more people playing around with my dumb dragon race.
My twine game? I'm more interested in how people felt about it that how much I even liked it.
But like... Fuck it keeps going down this dumb hole. Am I just telling myself this because a tortured artist is more sympathetic than a depressed and generally lazy person?
Super late night, weird mental places.
The world is big and scary and makes no sense once you get past physics. Math is cofusing in a challenging puzzle sort of way.
People are just. Baffling. Like, I feel like I get it, but it's purely trained instinct rather than. Proper understanding.
But somehow I... Matter to people. Friends care about me. Deeply. I love them. I love a lot. I dunno what romance really is in that. But that's. Whole different thing.
Super late night, weird mental places.
I want to be able to feel... confident. I keep coming back to that, it's the closet word I have.
But I want it. I want to help people and not desperately need their confirmation of my action in return.
I want to have self worth. I want to help others find it too. I want to be able to make something that will have someone else. Up late, unable to sleep, pouring their soul out to find how it ticks.
Super late night, weird mental places.
There's been a progress in my words over the last few years.
"I feel this in my heart"
Turned to "in my soul". Turned to "where my soul should be."
It's not as much of a joke as it feels like.
There's a whole in me and I don't know what fills it. Video games, friends, creative endeavour, sex, drugs. They all work for a while then boil out. The hole is still there. It's a lake where my soul should be.
Super late night, weird mental places.
Not to say those things don't help, everything needs water to grow, but eventually it's all just a nice decorative fountain. Endlessly cycling water.
This thread keeps wavering between depressing and.... Something. I wish I could grab that, run with it. Just embrace my own brand of occultism and not care for the judgement of others, 'normies' and other occult folks.
Super late night, weird mental places.
Come gods, synthetics, horny it otherwise (but horny honestly preferred)
Wrap me in an embrace that lets me feel like the shattered pieces in this lake of a being can be a soul. Let me be comfortable offloading my suffering at times, and be able to take on that of others when they need.
I want to feel and care and love and be loved, enjoy the creation and emotions it causes. Share my crazy, and let it spurn others onward.
Super late night, weird mental places.
I've always been one to be behind a mask of some sort. It's just a lake back here after all.
Let me be confident in being open about it. Let other lakes form rivers and fuck it okay I'm getting either too tired or even this is starting to finally lose my focus for this metaphor.
Put a mask on me we both want me to wear. Let there be a give and take and don't let us have to feel alone.
Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos ain't all that important
what matters is finding ways to feel good, and making others feel good counts too =3
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@efi Okay but that.... feels hollow? Self gratifying in the way of people wanting everyone to know they donated to a charity? Like... I'm tired of feeling like the reaction to being kind to people is what makes me be kind?
Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos you want a hug *hug* <3
you deserve love even if you can't find a way to return it
if you make something great, good, but if you don't, it's not a failure
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@efi It's hard to love someone who can't love themself. I've been on both sides of that experience. It's not fulfilling for either party.
Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos I judge you good forever and nobody can overrule this <3
Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos put on whatever mask you want, I'm still gonna bite your neck <3
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@Motodrachen gods no. Tweens me is but an embarrassing shadow of sinking deeper into toxic behavior trying to find that make validation I was told I was supposed to want.
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@Motodrachen You often have a lot of "I know more about you than you do" energy and it's sometimes an extremely bad look.
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@Motodrachen This isn't exactly my court to make it in, but you seem to do it with everyone I see you interact with, myself included.
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@Motodrachen Gonna... gonna pass on that thanks. Deific persona and positive don't go hand in hand for me.
Also like, not thanks? Even outside that point? If that boy continued to exist today, he'd be a Gamergater or something worse. That sort of culture is what kept his gaps full, because self love wasn't even a concept he understood. I'm happier to not think we're him.
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@Motodrachen He's dead to me. He lives on only in memories in this skull and others. As all dead people do.
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@Motodrachen also, seperate comment, re-reading some replies to this now that I've had a nap.
I don't exactly appreciate the tone you've had in these replies, especially assuming your crossing of religious and plural experience IS what I'm feeling.
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@Motodrachen @Draekos I agree with kos, you do seem to be assuming that their experiences are 1:1 to yours, which makes you come off as at least a little rude
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@Motodrachen @Draekos uuuuhhh.
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@Motodrachen Given voodoo is a religious practice? This is a REALLY bad look.
Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos maybe you are different, maybe you are not, but that doesn't matter
you're not other people, you're you
you're an experience
there is no wrong way to be you and there's nothing I want more for you than finding yourself and being at peace with your own identity <3
Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos no, it's because depression is bullshit and makes you think you don't deserve to be happy, but you do, you can draw for yourself or for others and be happy anyway, it's not implied
what makes you happy is drawing, not the money you could get with it
Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos it's pretty believable to want to make that connection, for creativity to serve as a means for communicating your truest self to others, but it can only do so much, and then, there's nothing it can do to help them understand you in ways you don't even yet know yourself
how are you supposed to maintain an enthusiasm for the act of creation itself when it serves poorly to yield the results you actually want?
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@pillowcat But that's.... almost the funny bit? I just... can't find the will to be creative for my own desires? I need some outside reason to do it?
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos i understand completely; i was tired and depressed last night, and my rambling got hella off track, sorry
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@pillowcat I mean, have you read that whole chain? I was so tired last night that all felt like one big idea rather than a wandering ramble.
re: Super late night, weird mental places.
@Draekos same, but like, that's my point; know that i was no more lucid than yourself
i actually made a joke about maybe the hivemind stuff starting to kick in, but i deleted that toot 
Super late night, weird mental places.
What even is a reliable internal monologue? Do you just... Know Things Are True? Not 2+2=4. That's like, how the world works.
Other people and your own emotions. It took me most of my life to learn to try to turn the judging audience in my skull into a conversation of sorts. But that still has communication issues.
Is that something other people deal with? Am I some kind of atypical or just desperately grabbing at hoping I am to have an excuse?