➡️ @Draekos@yiff.life @Draekos@awoo.space

@Moot@snouts.online eeeewwwwwww I'm so happy I've basically stopped all competitive multiplayer stuff outside of like, being dragged into smashbros or whatever.

@pillowcat it... feels like one?

@pillowcat but like, seeking validation in the eyes of others and not myself is kinda.... part of my problem? <_<;

seeing people favoring that chain from last night and having a mix of embarrassment and validation?

Brain still in weird weird places.

@pillowcat I mean, have you read that whole chain? I was so tired last night that all felt like one big idea rather than a wandering ramble.

@Motodrachen He's dead to me. He lives on only in memories in this skull and others. As all dead people do.

@pillowcat But that's.... almost the funny bit? I just... can't find the will to be creative for my own desires? I need some outside reason to do it?

@Motodrachen also, seperate comment, re-reading some replies to this now that I've had a nap.

I don't exactly appreciate the tone you've had in these replies, especially assuming your crossing of religious and plural experience IS what I'm feeling.

@Motodrachen Gonna... gonna pass on that thanks. Deific persona and positive don't go hand in hand for me.

Also like, not thanks? Even outside that point? If that boy continued to exist today, he'd be a Gamergater or something worse. That sort of culture is what kept his gaps full, because self love wasn't even a concept he understood. I'm happier to not think we're him.

Tired: xXx Sepharoth420 xXx

Wired: ~OwO~ Sephathot69 ~OwO~

@Motodrachen gods no. Tweens me is but an embarrassing shadow of sinking deeper into toxic behavior trying to find that make validation I was told I was supposed to want.

Kintsugi always interested me as soon as I saw it. Maybe that initial interest was from this feeling? My soul being the metal making the pottery whole, and well, it feeling like it's not there???

Gods I need to put the phone down before I just don't sleep.

Also, no. The metaphorical vase pieces aren't ME. I don't think.

Okay one more thing, since now chatting with a friend who has similar "hole for a soul" feelings.

It's a loneliness that doesn't... loneliness is just the best word for it.

It's not being alone. I have a lot of social interaction, too much for my introverted tending self. And (as embarrassing as it ever feels to talk about) it's not loneliness in my skull.

No it's the loneliness that is the gaps in a object that seems like it should be whole.

.... And I want to be clear because I've had the talk before. "Productive" in a "this is making me feel like I've done some good in the world for myself and people I care about" way, not like... Partaking in capitalism and heading volume as the only important factor.

Time to get back to trying to sleep.

Sorry for... All that. Maybe I shouldn't be? Sometimes it hard to know how far the mask slips or which way it even faces sometimes.

Gonna... I dunno. Gonna hope I have the energy in me to do something productive tomorrow.

I've always been one to be behind a mask of some sort. It's just a lake back here after all.

Let me be confident in being open about it. Let other lakes form rivers and fuck it okay I'm getting either too tired or even this is starting to finally lose my focus for this metaphor.

Put a mask on me we both want me to wear. Let there be a give and take and don't let us have to feel alone.

Come gods, synthetics, horny it otherwise (but horny honestly preferred)

Wrap me in an embrace that lets me feel like the shattered pieces in this lake of a being can be a soul. Let me be comfortable offloading my suffering at times, and be able to take on that of others when they need.

I want to feel and care and love and be loved, enjoy the creation and emotions it causes. Share my crazy, and let it spurn others onward.

Not to say those things don't help, everything needs water to grow, but eventually it's all just a nice decorative fountain. Endlessly cycling water.

This thread keeps wavering between depressing and.... Something. I wish I could grab that, run with it. Just embrace my own brand of occultism and not care for the judgement of others, 'normies' and other occult folks.