Goldkin @Goldkin@awoo.space

Much-too-confident, socially awkward lizard-betwixt-author-proxy goes to college, generating too much scandal, in candid, unreliable narrator slices of life. All while somehow remaining endearing and being much too relatable about how bizarre and alien social dilemma often feel in real time.

Novelty blogs of that nature thrived on LJ, and I miss those in a way the more general literary and webcomic fandoms don’t quite cover?

An oddly-specific thing I miss from the LJ days is rambling about just how good Sythyry’s Journal (and its addenda) are to people.

I guess I’m still trying to find those ways. I don’t quite have an answer, and my reclusiveness now is so I can do the work of figuring that out.

Because it’d be really cool to belong, for some value of “cool” and some value of “belong”. Even if I haven’t figured out what either of those are shaped like yet.

I had a brief window in which I was able to overcome those fears (posting art to Twitter, organizing small groups with locals ~4ish years ago). In that time, I socially burned out, my reclusive tendencies reasserted themselves, and then... I was accused of a bunch of stuff I didn’t do.

Which did break me, for awhile (sorry). And at the bottom of that, it returned me to the reticence that I’d felt before, even though I know there are ways this can work.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on that, especially in light of how folks’ perceptions of reality can dominate the truth. And I guess this is why I always expect things to go poorly for me in any group setting, reinforcing my predisposition to hide from people already.

Because if folks think my resulting reclusive behavior is an indicator I must be a bad person, I... really don’t have the bandwidth to challenge that notion nor change the behavior.

I guess that also leads people to fill in the gaps for this behavior. Common things I hear, in paraphrase:

* “Oh, them, they never respond, they’re probably an asshole.”
* “They’re really quiet except for specific subjects. Then they give way too much information.”
* “I think they’re plotting something.”

And I guess I understand the impulse to think that, but usually it’s because I’m paralyzed not knowing what my identity even is.

I think this is part of why I have so much trouble relating to people or figuring out how relationships — even casual friendships — are supposed to work. All of the hardware is there, all of the software is installed correctly, except I didn’t come with any configuration files whatsoever.

Which I guess I recognize as not broken, nor exactly. But it leaves people uncomfortable that I’m faking it. Which I guess I am.

A common thing, especially among trans friends, is that allowing oneself to express and be their gender is extremely powerful. But how does that work when you explore there and find absolutely nothing? Not a default configuration, not NB, not a suppressed narrative, but nothing — a tabula rasa in which impostor syndrome turned out to be correct?

I’ve been struggling with that for awhile, and I decided I’d build my own. I’m not good at this yet, but I’m trying.

I’m a remote employee, and my hatchday was yesterday. My manager remembered and tried to send a surprise order my way.

This resulted in my receiving a mystery call from Uber Eats from my manager’s first name, which I denied.

We had a laugh that this was exactly the right way that security puzzle should have been handled.

Removed an accidental boost because Amaroq doesn’t warn before boosting. I like this little client a lot, but I really wish it respected instance settings for confirmation dialogs.

An oddly specific thing about Tetris 99: the format and presentation look exactly like how Puzzle Pirates did its naval battles (except using Tetris instead of clones of Puzzle Bobble and Super Puzzle Fighter).

I know of a few people that this appeals to specifically, and I kind of wonder if Nintendo hired them or any former Three Rings employees.

Nintendo: Here are games where you can be a Yoshi. Here is a game where you can give gifts and belly rubs to your friendly neighborhood dragon. Here is a glorious remaster of your favorite childhood game. Fire Emblem now has deep character customization. Oh, and Tetris now has 99 players, because why not.

I... huh.

... they’re remastering Rune Factory 4, and that means getting an updated version of Ventuswill. Eeeeeeeeee

Also, that was an end-to-end spread of games that I’m all interested in playing, time permitting. Huh.