Kentaro @Kentaro@awoo.space

Everything is falling apart again and I wasn’t even done picking up the pieces from last time.

When I’m alone with my thoughts, and worryingly sometimes when I’m not alone too, I have this almost-nausea sensation in my stomach and I’m just... not okay. Something is just... off in a very bad way. It’s insidious, this feeling, because the best description I can muster is “not okay” and that sounds so mild, yet it’s anything but mild. It’s like standing before an oncoming train and I can’t move. I can’t even scream. Something is just... very wrong... I’m just not okay.

Less than one full day into HRT and here again comes the spectre of outright losing the health insurance I’m already struggling to afford yet desperately depend on...

Haven’t really updated or checked in here in a while. Starting HRT tomorrow, so there’s that. Still stuck in NC, feeling pretty trapped. No housing prospects out in Seattle, and still no way I can afford a $1200/month apartment out there, which now appears to be the average price for a tiny, cramped, barely livable studio with no kitchen.

Alive but aimless, I guess.

And this is all still leading up to me having to move to a place I never wanted to go back to.

Current humidity is 78%. Temps have been consistently in the lower to mid 90s all week. Heat index over 100 several days. And despite that, I have to keep the windows OPEN because it's WORSE inside the house if I don't.

I am now three days into packing for a move with no air conditioning, because of course the condenser for the house unit failed during my last week here WHILE I WAS BUSY PACKING UP MY LIFE INTO BOXES.

It's going to cost me a little over $1K to move to a place I don't want to go, taking a giant chunk out of my budget for moving to the place I needed to go but couldn't.

Had to say goodbye to friends tonight, and I'm torn up inside over it. I at least expected to be leaving here to start a new chapter in my life. Leaving friends behind was supposed to be balanced by things like finally being able to start HRT.

Instead, I'm saying goodbye to friends only to return to a place where I was miserable, a place where I have to recede back into closets.

This hurts too much.

Putting out another reminder that I'm in search of affordable housing in or very near Seattle.

Sooner I find some place the better, so I no longer have to endure my landlord sending me listings and suggesting I'm not trying hard enough to leave (and that I'm being too picky when I limit my search to places where I can trust my roommates won't flip out on me for being transgender.)

Actual line from his email:

"the absolute latest date that you can stay here without disrupting my plans is through the end of September"

So incredibly sorry that my year long struggle to find affordable housing near places that offer gender-affirming care is disrupting your plans to be a richer landlord with a new career.

The feel when your landlord seeks your sympathy for challenges he faces in getting the place you live ready to rent to people who will pay a lot more once you've been kicked out.

Oh, and wants you to sympathize with how hard it is for him to get his second college degree while living so far from campus.

I just... can't get an opportunity to catch my breath.

Open up music software, my mind screams at me, "You're not getting paid for this shit, stop!".

Open up an art program.

"You're not getting paid, you don't know what you're doing, and you can't afford classes. Stop."

Open up game dev tool to experiment with something small.

"You already committed to one game, way overestimated your ability to finish it, so why aren't you working on that now?"

Pick up my guitar.

"Who are you fooling."

And under it all, "Get back to REAL work."

I can't even fuck around to take my mind off of any of this. Games don't bring enjoyment. Sex doesn't bring enjoyment. There isn't much of me in me at this point. I eat. I sleep. I sit at a computer trying to force myself to work. And when I have to talk to the people I work with, it's all an act. Me putting on my best imitation of myself because that's all I can do right now.

Every day just feels like slow suffocation. I keep trying to do my job, but my mind can't go five minutes without reminding me of all the immediate problems facing me. Also reminding me that my job doesn't pay enough to matter in regard to any of my pressing problems. I can't concentrate. I spend 12 hours (not even fully) getting done stuff that used to take me 2 hours.

Life is a really... bizarre and unpleasant experience when direct, meaningful human contact happens less than once a week on average. When you have more conversation in a day with a cat than you'll have in an entire month with another human being face-to-face.