I wonder how different my life and emotional issues would be if I joined mainstream gay culture in college 15 years ago. I am realizing now that even with my gender issues I could be approximately content as a flamingly gay man because being perceived as something not conformant with performative heterosexuality is most of what I need.
Not all of it; my gender still isn’t something binary. But if I’m going to perform something consistent day-to-day, I think there are worse choices.
@Kistaro Something to consider is how different your life could be if you redirect it now. You don't have to go it alone, of course. Find support in your friends, family if possible, and even professional counseling if need be. I used all of those, and everything helped.
@Kistaro Also worthy of note: There is something to be said for the more careful approach one is inclined to take in late 20s or 30s as compared to the reckless plunges of teens and early 20s. There are many ways to be gay or bi, all of them valid. Young guys often seem to get the idea that there is only one, wild, and perhaps dangerous, path to follow.
@Kistaro As one more encouraging note: My life has been far more satisfying and happy since that tumult some 40+ years ago. The pain and uncertainty was temporary, and the fulfillment, confidence, and general contentment that followed were large indeed. I've been with one male partner for 36 years now, we have many friends but are closely bonded and happy. I don't think there was any negative impact on career for either of us, so no worry there.
@Kistaro There is at least some truth in this. I recognized myself later than college as well (despite experiences that should have tipped me off) and in fact was even married heterosexually for a few years. My dear wife figured me out and literally pushed me into coming out and being myself. It was a lot harder than it should have been. But that was like 1974. Today is certainly better than it was then. Be yourself, you're worth it.
What to do about it now that it is not 15 years ago, I am not the me of 15 years ago, and work is not college, is less clear.