...I think part of why I want to do the “flamingly gay raver goth” thing is because recently I’ve been thinking of myself as attractive and I’d like to play with ideas of who I could be. I’ve spent my entire life afraid of attention and, as much as it looks like it, that is genuinely *not who I am*, that is instead who I feel obligated to be due to the cultural influence of the extremely anti-individualist anti-exploration half of my family, the culturally loud half in my childhood.