Kistaro Windrider @Kistaro@awoo.space

Useful routine that I am teaching myself to use when appropriate:

* I feel anxious and stressed.
* Why do I feel anxious and stressed?
* People aren't talking to me.
* Why is that upsetting?
* I don't know if I should be doing a thing for myself or to accommodate them too.
* Am I responsible for them in this circumstance?
* ...not especially, no.
* If I am not responsible for anybody else here, what should I do?
* Proceed independently.

I must remember that it's okay to just do what I need.

And now the bus driver closed the door on me while I was boarding. I have a minorly twisted ankle and a substantially worse mood now.

Mood for today: https://youtu.be/LwrQXI4_mgo + https://play.google.com/music/m/Tg3nkjkcd3ptayrpitcwfxyluc4?t=Teenagers_Kick_Our_Butts

Exciting commute this morning! Bus plus hills plus ice plus suburban semi-Seattle’s near-total lack of ice management infrastructure resulted in some sliding and some antilock brake system activation

@Jssra I had all kinds of emotional issues both from using and from stopping an inhaled corticosteroid for asthma as a kid. It seems plausible to me.

@LexYeen that is what corner stores and instant ramen are basically for though.

Decaf black tea is a tool I should use more often for trying to settle down when stressed

I've sent an email to a local psychiatrist asking to set up appointments. It's absurd that I haven't been; my problems with depression and anxiety are obvious and there is no rational reason that I (and my undeserved privilege of absurdly good health insurance) should be trying to manage them myself.

sometimes I wish my political views were more similar to those of most of my friends because then I'd be less upset by political conversations with people I care about. I have substantial reasons for not agreeing with some very passionately-held positions, and I know people aren't looking for an argument most of the time so I have to stay quiet. But I'm scared, because I don't know who would suddenly hate me if they knew my real views on some volatile things.

Modern public schooling seems so bad, so opposite to how humans learn, so innately and unavoidably abusive that all budget questions about school funding seem appallingly wrongheaded; underfunded or not, schools are an abuse factory where children are imprisoned with no somewhat-older role models, trained to submit to authoritarian lecturers who don't have the resources or the agenda to let humans learn through curiosity and experience. they crush curiosity and teach abuse.

How different would the world be if Sid Sackson and Sid Meier traded specialties?

I don’t know how to actually help people I care about.

@Jacel I love you. I’m sorry I’m more anxious than effectively supportive. I’ll get past it.

@Jacel I’m sorry I’m so upset. I know it doesn’t help anything. I can’t just be okay with how things are and I guess I’m flailing around looking for help and I don’t really know how to go about it.

@Jacel I know. I don’t expect you to “just be okay”. It’s not your job to just “fake it” for me and I don’t want you to. I’m just... not dealing with it well myself, and I know that’s not productive. I’m looking for approaches I can take that might do some actual good.

I know there are real problems here and they are sincerely hard. It scares me and I’m not handling that very well. I promise I’m still trying and I will keep trying.