Kistaro Windrider @Kistaro@awoo.space

The "graphics cards" section of Amazon is a barren wasteland of despair

As a note I'm in tolerable mental health tonight, just ruminating about what brain patterns I have that don't work

I'm bad at being queer because I'm afraid of making people uncomfortable by existing as myself and I'm bad at being around people who are more comfortable expressing themselves because I'm too afraid that other people are secretly uncomfortable and not saying anything.

My social anxiety is perfectly happy to invent problems in the absence of problems. I should get out of this habit.

I wish I knew how to stop being terrified of appearing obviously queer. I'm not able to think about how I wanr to look because of the anxiety that comes along, and everything I'd want gets tagged as scary instead.

I'm afraid of random violence from strangers (bus passengers, rideshare drivers), stigma at work (even though I already use singular-they pronouns for myself), photos getting back to my family, probably more. I have a variety of forms of internalized transphobia and misogyny

My phone’s Camera Roll is at least 50% pictures of birds
https://awoo.space/media/R5oU1OqgnenEyM1DhKc

I still haven’t shaken the anxiety that most people I know secretly hate me, or that they would if I ever spoke up when I disagree about something important (especially politics, I’m not leftist enough); basically the fear that I am at all times one step away from being doxxed, reported to my employer, shunned, and potentially subject to violence

Commuting by bus means I start seeing the same strangers often enough that I know they’re part of my community, in a way, and I start synthesizing pseudonyms for people I don’t know the names of. Josephine’s Human is the blind man whose guide dog I know the name of. Safety Vest Lady, who is still Safety Vest Lady even when she is not wearing her reflective vest, is a foot shorter than me and takes the other bus at my connection point. Book Kisser literally kisses romance novels as she reads.

If I was looking to commission an illustration of a lizard-girl with a shoulderdragon, what artists should I consider getting in contact with? (Self-promotion encouraged)

My life needs more dinosaurs in it

I remain amazed by what chiptune composers of the 90s squeezed out of the Game Boy’s 4-bit sound chip. (No, it wasn’t even 8-bit sound.) https://youtu.be/JBgaxnsx_W0 https://youtu.be/Xyhti-CxLkE https://youtu.be/ABk8mfaofHg

People in this side of the building are coughing and sneezing nonstop. Some are wearing surgical masks, which (unlike N95 masks) are ineffective in preventing spread of flu. Great.

I have this weird compulsion to take my 3DS to work with me, like I will miss important SNES Emulator Time if I don’t. I haven’t used my 3DS for months and that’s only escalated since civ 6 had an iPad release

Last night’s dreams were kinda vague but at least they involved being an aggressively telepathic sort of dragon. Pern-esque, but less chocobo-like in motivation levels. >..>

And now wearing an uncomfortable, stuffy N95 dust mask while waiting in an urgent care waiting room, to minimize the odds of getting sick. Rakeela has ear infection symptoms so we’re here to get that looked at.

Ah, DOTA, where you can lose a ranked game because two of your randomly selected teammates will not stop arguing with each other