lewd adjacent, mh -
I see videos of people fucking in fursuits at cons and they're having an exciting life, and me? I'm aging, poor, anxious, angry, and I don't know if I'd be good playing with anyone in meatspace if it happened.
Some part of me says "yeah, but you're learning how to be a better human being; you're constantly becoming a better artist from having all your childhood artmaking stopped cold," and another part of me says, "that counts for exactly nothing, you pathetic ugly garbage."
lewd adjacent, mh -
I am pretty damn sure self-hate and little spikes of gender dysphoria are not what I was supposed to get out of fursuit sex videos. The sane answer is don't go looking for those, but my self-preservation instincts could be a lot better.
lewd adjacent, mh -
*sigh*
throttle back. I know nothing about these people; but I was indoctrinated that getting it on was a measure of deeply personal worth; that life was for other people not me; not only do I see everything in my own life in incredible detail, but I was indoctrinated to dismiss everything I get right. And part of this is fatigue, so I should probably actually sleep to feel better.
I take refuge in the Buddha. I take refuge in the dharma. I take refuge in the sangha.