mh, drugs mentioned
I also finally figured out why I get terrible body image hate as a default when I feel bad; childhood was very much about appearances, so I couldn’t access favoritism which might get me out of trouble, or make me sympathetic enough to get help or affection. Beating myself up for being ugly is partly a reaction to feeling trapped. Stuff like this is why I really could use therapy, regular martial arts practice, and tripping on mushrooms.