stoned thoughts, more self processing
this whole thing where everything riffed off everything else; self-hate as a coping mechanism for fear and anxiety (distraction, personalization means problem can be under my control etc) but then, because I was so sure at some level that I'd fuck it up/was innately a fuck up that amplified anxiety as bad as anything I got from the basic fear of being slammed at any time by stuff out of my control.
And remembering that the accident sits right in the weak spot about self-determination leading to failure, over in Erickson's stages of childhood development, so it really did open me up to buying into "what if stuff *I* did wrong is what people don't like/what will lead to losing comfort and safety?"