mh, more day job
I mean the whole thing with the day job is something theoretically emotionally useful; now that I am less self-hating, can I hit a technical skill which is too difficult for me to learn (note other qualifiers too), WITHOUT getting completely lost in self hate as a coping mechanism?
And the answer might be yes, and possibly the childhood answer I have been engineered to fail (this WAS true as a kid, it might not be true here) but fuck this is uncomfortable.