@Kyresti I feel that I'm very much wired to have faith - less "there IS a spiritual side to the world" but more "no matter how the world actually works, my brain is set up to be religious" if that makes sense.

Which stacks badly with growing up in Judaism practiced out of tradition and the die-hard believers being the really toxic form of Christianity. And of course the punishment, morality-tripping, worth focused very real authorities in childhood. So even as an animist, as a not-really-Buddhist, I can get drawn into this idea that something big will go after me - probably deservedly.

Usually I think; there's a lot of different aspects of the spiritual world out there, and the ones I *want* to honor are the supportive, accepting, nurturing ones, which will reflect in *me*. But sometimes I think, look, maybe if I accepted there were nothing, I'd be kinder to myself and by extension to the world around me, which is *way* more important than a spirtuality imho.