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Today’s little twinges of self hate. There’s a really short distance between “I honestly wish these things were different about my body and mind” plus “I wish I were what these people want so I could be safe” and “what I am is completely unsympathetic, unlikable, worthless and awful.” And unfortunately if someone has actively told you “what you are is completely unsympathetic, unlikable, worthless and awful” it’s damn hard to think otherwise when anything goes south…
(And just life means things are going to go south at some point.) it’s just trained response; for comparison, if right now you handed me a mask, foil and jacket, my movements would be what my maitre d’armes trained me to do years ago too, and remember he trained me for a lot less time and in safer conditions than I was trained to be self-critical/self-loathing.