mental health, meh
slowly learning that a lot of my depressive symptomology is my experiencing negative emotions for basically any reason and immediately concluding the problem is me and I suck
this response is so ingrained by now that it's my first experience of whatever I'm feeling and I have to actively work to figure out what emotion I might actually be experiencing. usually there are immediately obvious things for me to be bummed out by.
I got a lot of messages as a kid that when I was unhappy or suffering I needed to just get over it and keep it to myself and apparently I have learned to skip all the steps leading up to feeling bad about my response and just go to that one, without even understanding why I am feeling that way about myself
re: mental health, meh
@kistaro I know our brains work differently, so this might be of limited use to you *but* what really kept me playing out self hate was;
* gave me a seemingly actionable distraction from what was upsetting me ( I could work on "fixing" myself, or suddenly instead of this unaffected thing upsetting me I was trying to step myself back from suicidal upset)
* directed any angry response inwards so it was less likely visible and punishable
* familiarity/what I was being told about myself
I'm wondering about that first part in particular as something you might have?
