This morning I’m re-re-realizing how interconnected childhood was. I never get enough time or money for MY stuff <=> endless uncompelling tasks, stuck in someone else’s places/schedules are more important <=> I fuck up and it’s this horrible thing to be punished <=> needing to focus intensely on tasks or punishment keeps me from thinking of a long term <=> officially good people get time and money/support to do their stuff <=> endless tasks with infrequent/arbitrary/short term if any reward <=>
This big nearly impossible to challenge circle of CPTSD/ADHD issues. LITERALLY impossible to challenge with no real down time and actual negatives or just hypervigilence. And, so incidental/artifactual (the big constant is everyone, me included, wanting what most conveniences US) the simplest (therefore ONLY when constantly strapped for emotional resources) pattern matching is self loathing I was literally taught (and also directed anger inwards, distracted, etc).
What a fucking mess!
Guess that point about self hate merits clarification; all the above (lack of resources, trapped with seemingly unending tasks instead, crap self worth etc) can all FEEL like monolithic objective reality (low intensity, nigh constant frequency), but literally being TOLD that (relatively infrequent, high intensity) really cemented it, inside my mind.