mh journaling
went from spotting beating myself up about anything sexual - if not watched my brain will phrase sex as some sort of weird competition in which I'm at risk of being rejected entirely if I prove I'm not good enough, and right now my libido's real patchy, which is cause for a lot of dumb self hate
that's part of the larger cognitive distort that everything is some sort of fucky competition where I can't just BE, and still be worthy and accepted and safe
this gets me to how the chunk of negative assumptions about "life is a big competition in which I will be engineered into losing somehow" has been really stirred up by how my last day job ended.