1) I'm still really thinking about how this big nasty assumption at the core of my despair isn't that I'm especially deserving of misery or that the universe requires me to be miserable, but that I *will* be made miserable to convenience someone else. This was definitely true in childhood and I think it's a lot harder to challenge than "I am a shitty person" etc.

2) Probably related is noticing how jumpy I am about any place which could lead to censure (being the wrong gender, ethnicity, age, having the wrong opinion, etc), including the illogic that at some level I'm always afraid friends are going to completely go off on me, which feels terrible. I think some recent events really pushed those buttons as a worry.

3) I told myself I was going to take today off and yet I worry about doing so.