I'm starting to see my really fearful, hostile view of the world as a by product of just being sort of naturally nervous. This doesn't work great with the ADHD hope for, need for quick dopamine fixes.

Something negative happens, and before the cortisols have really cleared my brain something negative happens, and more stacks. On a conscious level my mind looks for a logic behind why such awful stuff would be happening, and comes up with this intentionally hurtful universe - or how completely shitty I am.

The first few days of my life were emergency situations, I'm told that sticks at some level. Nearly dying in the accident didn't help. The anemia in 5th grade or so didn't help. And for the first 18 years of my life, negatives were constantly happening without enough space to really recover. And for the first 18 years of my life, I really WAS getting told this universe was intentionally hurtful, that other people were legitimately better than me, and that I was completely shitty.

So honestly all of this, all of this terrible take on life is at base my jumpiness. Nothing more OR LESS meaningful. Just ADHD and anxiety and exactly none of it being acknowledged and honored.