Today, I'm noticing that I have this childhood training which affects how I respond to failure.

1) something happens which I don't want.

2) I've been trained that this is never just something that just kinda happens, or even that it feels worse because of poor sleep or not eating, but because of something I did wrong, typically being stupid, unable to focus, or not working hard enough

3) how other people are treated complicates this. Either I want what they want, which carries the implication they are innately better than me (or will always be innately luckier), OR it's not something they want, which implies I'm bad for wanting something a good person wouldn't want.

4) related, I feel completely alone; either I feel alone in wanting whatever, or I feel alone in washing out of whatever.

5) lastly I'm not supposed to have a negative reaction to this at all - I'm not supposed to be frustrated, sad, angry, or give up (unless it's something GOOD people wouldn't want). This is especially bad if the reason I failed was already my fault. And obviously I'm not supposed to be unhappy with being punished fairly (and it's always officially fair), so by now this compounds with the initial frustration and comparison to other people.