need to remember;

my pre-college experience was being taught that I wasn't good enough at what my parents, teachers and peers wanted, and that if there was something I might be good at, it was unsupported or unacknowledged compared to what these other people wanted as exemplified by The Good Kids, which taught me if I were somehow good enough things would be intentionally revamped so I wasn't. And, as a result of being what someone else judged to be innately flawed, my safety and comfort was always in danger. I can see how all these cases match "this was intentional frequently enough to teach me these were hard and fast rules about how life worked.

Consequently, being out of work really stomps on those buttons and leads me to deep-seated despair on a nigh daily basis.