now starting to see it better;

trying to grow up with undiagnosed ADHD and trauma means feeling terrible when I don't understand, get bored with dumb shit important to the rest of the world, or am irritable. This opens me up to

being scolded or emotionally abused, especially if there's just seemingly no break, especially because that's a lot more constant if I don't really have any sense of a long term, which becomes

sincerely believing at some big underlying level that I'm bad or flawed. And if I'm constantly braced for *some* sort of emotional attack, such that I don't have resources to step back or challenge my idea, if I'm triggered fairly often (still no good sense of a long term), and have that as an underlying assumption

of course I'm going to go through life thinking I'm flawed, a fuck up, and that I'm waiting for the next something terrible to happen.