turns out being trained that I have to prove my worth and, the convenience of using me but inconvenience of actually really doing anything in return, means I never get to feel I've successfully proven myself worthy, stacks badly with aging and feeling I fail to accomplish either the societal valued stuff (which, again, they were never going to actually reward me - this is largely about assumption rather than maliciousness) or what I actually wanted to do because I was too busy trying to survive... which fits into the trauma messages about being stuck, trapped and treading water.

Lucky for me, I know that existential worries at 4 AM thanks to broken sleep are about as helpful and valid as existential worries at 1 PM thanks to running low on energy.