This weekend's introspection fits into being this pissy/despairing today. I now feel that while self-hate *did* make me less likely to meltdown in ways that could be noticed and punished, the meltdowns were about overwhelm as well as just triggers, so the self-hate wasn't 100% effective; and the down side of greater self worth is being angry at my wants, identity, and safety being discarded for others' convenience at any moment.