I'd been thinking about ADHD (I think ADHD explains why no matter when the last little treat for myself was, it always feels like it was weeks ago, and how also how my anger in response to politics is essentially frustration) *and* a friend reposting something very hard hitting about aging being grieving.

Late last year, I realized I was grieving very literally, that I went through the stages of grief and I think ADHD problems with frustration is why I bounce between anger and depression a lot;

* denial (but this can't be happening, these people are supposed to be knowing and caring)
* bargaining (well maybe if I'm a better person and not be an angry monster and work harder and)
* anger (oh FUCK THIS! FUCK THIS STACKED SYSTEM! FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS!)
* depression (I can't change this situation because I'm innately a fuck up/it's been engineered to keep me stuck/anger only gets me in trouble rather than saves me from trouble, all I can do is sit and wait for something to let me escape)
* acceptance (I have no idea what this actually looks like)