Lonely feelings
I don't know
Food do your thing faster
venting/musing
I've got that "limbs are getting too heavy to type" depression and my loneliness hadn't gone away with taking care of the rest of this body's basic needs.
I feel pretty lost, admittedly. I graduated in May of 2016, and it took me over a year to get a job. Even at that, what I got was an internship. I get paid $10/hr, which is more than I've gotten at literally any job ever.
venting/musing
And it's still not.. exactly living money, you know?
I went to school so I could be a developer. Because I enjoy doing that more than other things, and I would get the money I need to to do the things I want to do.
But here I am doing... definitely not that because I Could Find It in this city that is red and so.. so... SO far from ideal to be trans and looking for work.
But I guess I should count myself lucky that I got this much.
venting/musing
I've never had a strong passion for any work. I've always felt guilty about that. IT or Development is stuff I'm relatively competent at, and I'm good at writing and stuff but...
I don't... have strong feelings for a career beyond personal survival. Why would I.
If there is anything I have come to realize of my life up until now, I'm not -from- here. I'm not as invested in here as others. I don't know what that motivation is like
venting/musing
I'm so deeply lonely, and with seemingly little direction besides the big neon signs continuously flashing in the back of my head.
"Get out of here. Fill your life with folks that see you and hold you and care on that deeper level."
I guess on some level I can't begin to care about things like a career when I'm trying to heal my mental wounds and get to a place that lets me stand strong.
I'll sleep though. Enough of my lonely, depression babblings.
venting/musing, final word
I've been in long distance relationships for a while now and... I think part of it is that knowing that the love I crave exists, but is so far away just.. makes my heart ache. I don't do well with distance, and I'm growing increasingly sore with that ache.
I'm in love, I'm in love and I can't even touch them. hold them. have them hold me. caress me.
venting/musing, final word
Actually... Yeah...
It's mostly that.
I'm.. a heavy romantic. I ache.. I miss and long...
All of them. I love my significant others and I miss them so much it hurts.
venting/musing
So I keep trying, mostly because moving to Seattle is a huge motivator in itself. I'm staying so far away from most folks and things here.
The folks that used to be physical with me regularly aren't anymore. I spend most of the time physically starved for contact, not to even get into sexual things.
Folks don't talk to me seriously anymore. A while back I wondered if they thought I was crazy and that's largely unresolved. I don't know what they think.