-> @oneironott@vulpine.club @Oneironott@awoo.space

Vloelei's Psychedelic Hypno Parlor

Literally me today: *comes out of a multi-month haze* oh wait, I -can- do this

LESBIAB

"Despite everything, I still managed to apply to at least one job today"

I say all this as I'm starting to become more cognizant of these things, and finally starting to dig my way out of the cycle

It means that instead of working harder to feel like I'm at least being productive in making things better, I'm afraid, dissociating, and spending a lot of time and effort trying to crawl out of that, or making the day at least somewhat manageable.

Because it's what I, the 30 year old with the capabilities of someone younger than 18, can manage to do.

When I say that 'it's like I'm 17 again', I feel as capable of handling anything that is going on as a 17 year old who just got abandoned by their parents. It usually means I'm dissociating/surviving but not as capable of handling things as my years of healing would suggest
combined with my ADD and lack of executive function ability, it often means that I almost completely lack the ability to even make my situation better.

Particular in it's manifestation in me, I tend to regress in how I've healed, back to how i was during my traumas. Throw most of what I've learned our the window, and especially any inkling of being capable of handling the situation.

The shitty thing about [my] CPTSD is that in periods of stress, moreso the closer such stress is to my traumas, I tend to get flashbacks a/o regression. Regression, I feel, is often misinterpreted. It doesn't particularly mean fully mental regression, at least for me.

I got some spiritual work done today. Relaxed a bit, cleaned a bit, and applied to jobs a bit.
And yet i still feel like a failure and always will
But at least let me a failure who tried instead of a failure completely encompassed by executive function inability.

To experience that horror all from that perspective of the Me that is free from this body, trauma, world… then to have it all back again…
I dont know how to explain it, other than it being one of the worst things I’ve ever felt

The very definition of bittersweet species feels

Having long and low key slice of life dreams of another life back Home. Soft, lovely, casual and normal things.
Then i wake back up and just
No no NO
where is my muzzle. My tail. I’m in a bed and… oh no no no this is wrong so WRONG.
I want to go back I want to go back I want to go back

It hasnt even been a few hours and I’m crying

Love wakin’ up to that low feeling of dread

it makes it so much easier for me to get stuff done when i'm not stressing over every life possibility, my species, gender, etcetc

I've been smoke enough kelp now to be familiar with how it generally affects me and different strains, etc.
I'm amazed at it's potential and effectiveness of reducing my anxiety.
I'm someone who has this low level of ever-present anxiety in both an existential sense and general sense.
But I actually feel like I'm able to really RELAX in a way I'm not used to being able to do.

I have so many eggs in me right now

(6 egg, but still)