-> @oneironott@vulpine.club @Oneironott@awoo.space

I don't know how I've avoided a complete mental breakdown today and I'm hoping I havn't just delayed it

As their song closed, the otter and the kitsune giggled and pressed watery paws to fiery ones, letting their magic and elements float away in the cool night wind.

As the falling sun dipped below the horizon, the fox flicked her paw digits and sparked two rolling plumes of fire in each from her heart that flickered with the night's wind. The otter smiled in approval, taking in the sight of the fox's fire glittering off ver water. The two sang in unison, working magic in dances uniting the waters and fires of creation and life. fire rolled carefully with water in their duet, but neither doused or evaporated the other.

Ve began to sing a tune, working water to whim with fresh water guided by one paw and saltwater guided by the other. Ver paws flowed with the aquatic spirit that ve herself was, and worked intricate dances with the floating water that glistened in the dusk's sun. ve joined the flow of the birds and animals and the wind and leaves on the forest trees and danced with them while the fox spirit looked on quietly.

The otter sat with the kitsune by an estuary, the heat of dusk's sun meeting the tricking of the river's flow... The fox was of fire, as kitsune go, but it wasn't to say that the fire of her heart and eyes weren't complimented by the warmth of sentimental moments of companionship.. she just.. often would rather to other things.
The otter was of water, as calm as the flow of the tides that bring life and vibrancy... but it wasn't to say that ve wasn't rough to protect.

me: it seems really wild to put my full weight behind something so out there. I have this vision of being this queer oceany otterthing and i know how i want to live and theres a voice inside me that just won’t keep poking me this direction.
*moana happens*
Me: are you fucking serious multiverse

Watched Moana with the datefriend ^^
Cried a lot and again as always. It’s nice seeing it after i’ve moved..
when the movie came out i was just recovering from a crisis of self and still trying to accept myself, my place [and my desire to embrace this particularly neptunian resonance]. After i saw Moana i sort rolled my eyes at the heavens and went “OKAY FINE I HEAR YOU”
*giggles*

I don't know what my gender is, and given the context of my ever-present sense of self's posthuman, postgender sort of nature, I'm not even sure I know what gender is? So does that make me nonbinary? agender? I... have no idea. and I'm not -worried- about that for once. I feel content to just be... me. queer neptunian otter :)

So at this point I found myself identifying again with genderfluidity, but it didn't quite captre things. Nothing was changing in my conceptualization.. I mean, I'm always Me I just have... options. Options in which i prefer my bodily form having certain default anatomy, but otherwise no feasible anatomy gives me dysphoria or upsets me. My presentation doesn't -feel- like my gender. I am androgynous and I rock back and forth between masculinity and femininity when it pleases.

The biggest realization of my life is perhaps that I always had a concept of self with regards to species, furry... and a concept of self with regards to my orthocosmic self in a way that -always- felt at odds, incomplete...
Because I had compartmentalized all this "Stuff I Couldn't Be"

The huge realization was that I couldn't just be these things... I -was- them.

I feel like at this point I really don't know what my gender is, if anything. It's interesting. I wish i had taken a more in depth journal on my whole path, but the short version is that over the years, I've realized that [my] inner sense of self is inseparable from my concept of self as a very internal-vibrant furry that is familiar with a posthuman, postgender vibe of being able to change when I want, whenever I want. reinvention as a normal facet of life.