Roady @Roady_Dragonfae@awoo.space

I'm feeling some really, really dark and bitter feelings towards humanity right now. I keep dealing with a past full of constant fighting to be who I want to be in a sea of predatory neurotypicals that wanted to shape me for their twisted desires. A part of me feels that human civilization is hell. A cesspool of prejudice and hatred.

All I wish is to escape from it... To live out the rest of my time in the orthocosm in peace and solitude with the rest of my kin.

I feel like a total blubbering mess right now... Fuck... I need to take a bath and lie down before I overthink myself into a psychotic episode.

I'm a habitual gum chewer. Mainly because I'm starting to realize the cause behind emotional eating. Before I started changing my diet to avoid gaining weight at my new job position, I did a little research.

It's not so much the feeling we get from the taste and texture of food that soothes us. Chewing is an action that naturally calms us down. Because our broken, backwards, and anxiety prone brains don't associate it with danger.

As far as uncovering more ritual gear, I just uncovered my long lost bracers!

https://awoo.space/media/kcUsFBq4BNUpbfha-5Y

The challenge to any Leo is self control. To master one's emotions. For we really do have the volatility stars.

We help life flourish. Bring warmth to everyone. To provide abundance and happiness. To help the world glow brightly and bring out the best of everyone and everything.

Yet, at the same time, we have to be careful of maintaining a balance. Lest we go supernova and destroy all around us, or collapse into a black hole that sucks everyone into darkness.

Let it all burn away.
Let it all burn away!
LET IT ALL BURN AWAY!

My new favorite mantra for obsessive and negative thoughts after today.

Last night I had a strange dream where I found myself in a dingy apartment with brick walls.

And before I knew it, I found myself smoking meth out of a pipe. The effects are exactly as I remember it.

It was then that I started freaking out. "Holy shit. What the fuck? How did I fall back into this again???"

As I'm sitting here awake, I realize that to the day, I'm exactly one month away from the first anniversary of when I was dosed...

Almost one year already...

Every time I hear "The two shall become one flesh," I think body horror instead of marriage.

Half of the time, I'm wondering if I'm being too hard on myself, or if I'm being judged for my lack of experience as a driver. I have a lot of it down well, but some days...

Well. Let's just say, there's a lot to take in. I often have to struggle with assumptions that are being made by people mentoring me. As frustrating as it is, I understand that some people make assumptions without realizing it. Overall, I've dealt with worse in my lifetime.

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse to the Velveteen Rabbit. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

A few weeks away from being on my own as a driver and I found a truck that I meshed with so well, I felt like I was driving my van for work. There's still a height difference to worry about, but I think I found my match! https://awoo.space/media/sgJ1KDKPTmgKl3U_0co

I don't play video games as much as I used to. However, I feel that playing them in my youth has set me up to live my life like one. A neverending and unpredictable adventure full of insanity and peril that wakes me up to knowing more about this universe. Seeking out kin with similar feelings and wonders about how and why the fuck we wound up here in the first place.

If I ever have the opportunity to animate, I'm making a series out of the consistent chain of batshit crazy I've encountered over these last two years.

After a long day at work, I need to wind down and feel like myself again.

https://awoo.space/media/PEZMWVMPjLkne-cxB_A

GOD DAMMIT, ROADY! Stop overthinking every little thing you do! You're okay! You're fine! It's fine! It's fine!

.....It's......FINE!!!!!!!!

I need to focus heavily on protecting myself. Because I know for a fact that there are dark forces out to get me. As I've become more in tune with the infinite wonders of the universe, it's also become clear to me the dark side that's trying to pull me down. I need every chance to rip myself away from its grasp.

I wonder if this whole situation is a test to see whether or not I'll cave and smoke cigarettes again. Like hell I will.

I keep running into one crazy situation after another, and I'm scared of it putting strain on those who I care about the most...

Another item for my spiritual tool set, I have to thank @KawaSeadrake for gifting me this beautiful belt that looks amazing as a repurposed headband. I'll love and cherish it with all the gratitude in the universe! https://awoo.space/media/ihFzh0s41K_Gd-Li6dE