So.

Monster Hunter World.

I've been waiting for it for as long as it was announced, pre-purchased it as soon as it was available, enjoyed the heck out of the demo time, and was as excited as possible yesterday when it came out and I made a character and played for a little bit and...

... and unlike any of the previous games... it needs an always online connection... because there are always other folks playing it, as in they are on my screen... and their voices are in the headset chatter... and their texts and poses are in the side view...

... and... I encountered that tonight, having not played much last night because I just couldn't focus very well, despite having wanted to play this game for going on a year...

... and my social anxiety kicked me so damn hard at first contact with this new always-online-and-random-folks-are-going-to-always-be-everywhere shtick, that I could barely breathe...

... tried to hit the pause button to take a few minutes to stem the panic attack... and there's no pause button anywhere... I can't stop and calm down anywhere... I can't turn off other folks being there... I am able to mute the voices, but...

... I... may not be able to play this... and my brain is not shutting up over it, switching rapid-fire between anxiety, panic, anger, excitement, fear, regret, misery, etc...

I don't play MMOs because my social anxiety crashes my brain like this. GuildWars1 was as close as I could get because you can adventure solo without seeing any other players (up to an invisible difficulty wall in the game where you need to play with others to advance), but the towns and settlements were panic rooms for me with so many other folks everywhere, all the time. Destiny2 (didn't play the first one) is giving me the exact same crash because I've played about as far as I can solo and won't be able to progress any further without teaming up with other players, and there's always too many other random players in the game everywhere that I can't turn off. I can't handle MOBAs. I can't handle team PVPs. I may not be able to handle this.

Before anybody brings up the points that I could just play with friends... you have absolutely no idea how difficult it is for me to do that. How much I want to not have this social anxiety and these phobias and could just simply interact with others whenever I wanted to vs what I do now which is when I'm mentally and emotionally able to, and never directly. I can reply to posts left with a time stamp. I can interact in messages. I can respond to texts and emails when I can get past the anxiety of opening them up in the first place.

... and, yes, I can play live and in-person with folks, but I am never able to initiate that contact... as much as I may want to, I can't get through my panic to do so...

I play games in large silent worlds populated by AI NPCs where I can pause when I need to and step away. I buy games that never get opened or used because, though I love the ideas of these games and worlds and scenarios, I can't get past my mental blocks to be able to play them with others. I go to cons and hide out in my hotel room as I deal with my anxiety crashes, making wandering loops through vendor space or getting food, but dreading contact and conversations and getting overwhelmed badly with every passing person.

And, right now, I'm here yet again.

I've just purchased a game that I've wanted because I've loved this series of games for years, but I have almost always played it solo, and for this one I'm not able to do that in any capacity, and the sharp realization of that fact is setting of my anxiety like a war-klaxon in my thoughts.

So, I'm sitting here, writing this out, instead of turning it on, because I can't face this panic right now... yelling into the screen... yelling at myself... yelling into this void...

I love you all, but I need you to understand that the only reason I am calm enough to exist here is that there's this non-synchronized filter between us... I'm typing and taking pauses to step back and calm down before proceeding, and none of this would be able to come out coherently in a live interaction, because I would have mentally shut down and gone fetal somewhere in the middle of the third paragraph breath.

I am very very VERY bad at social, to the point that if I didn't need to, I'd never leave this room, and I'd die miserable out of lonliness because my stupid brain and anxiety won't let me reach out for contact without a crippling panic attack.

And, I'm sorry. I needed to get this toxic garbage out of my head, because I can't sleep.