Veladynee Amaren @Veladynee@awoo.space

Blah, tired, but too early to sleep yet. Only 1, and my usual sleep time is 3. x.-.x

After seeing a friend's posts and digging out a picture of a robotic version of myself done many years ago... Debating getting more art on the theme, beyond just the goo stuff, exploring some of the synthetic body stuff in depth.

I've learned as we face our own demons to fight them, they always get stronger. The anxiety is less frequent but the moments are more intense. The depression, the fear of the outside, it's all more intense as I finally face it instead of turning away as I've always done.

I do not rely on others for helping now either, I am fighting my own internal battles and slowly I gain a little ground. Very... Very slowly.

The thing I've realized is that we become so used to our problems that we actively resist treating them internally, much as we'd resist someone trying to take away a limb. They become ingrained in us and a moment without them makes us wonder if we are in fact losing a portion of ourself... When in the end it is us letting us finally be ourselves without the negative weight.

It's a tough fight I won't lie. But I can best my demons, and I believe you reading this, you can too. You are already doing so well ^^

How to overload your friendly neighborhood fish:

1) Bring me to the pool or swimming place like a lake or beach.

2) Have it be nighttime with stars.

3) Let me get completely overstimulated with various senses and memories and cease to function for an hour or two.

Now to have a breakdown and cry and miss my old body for the rest of the night

So anyway I'm getting a lewd done of me as a pooltoy, and the WIP already looks amazing.

I'm a horrible creature.

Gotta go into work this Saturday.

Bright side, that sweet sweet overtime pay. Downside, 6 day work week. A worthy trade.

Tonight, however, time to make dinner then get stoned.

It'd be nice if instead of just picking clothes to wear in the morning, I could pick bodies.

I think I'll go with the cybernetic gryphon in business professional attire today.

I've realized a pattern with my own anxiety after analyzing the re-occurrence of it on a day to day basis, although it is manageable.

It's tied with people I consider close to me going away for periods of time. In this case a good friend of mine -and- my boyfriend.

What triggers it? Absence. I suppose in a way its a mix of abandonment coupled with a long history of 'bad things always happen after those you care about go away for a while'. It was originally family, then it turned into one or two bad relationships. Since then, its been an almost endless sense of just dread and anxiety expecting the worse when logically nothing bad will happen at all.

It's quite irritating, at least I'm not letting it send me into a spiral.

Be a shame if I accidentally bumped this conveniently placed jar of liquid latex, enveloping my body and morphing me into a shiny, feral latex dragoness.

Today is a day I feel like being open about my general mental health.

I was recently diagnosed with agoraphobia.

I came from an abusive household and have self esteem issues that lead often times to many lies and mistruths.

I have severe depression.

I have a form of generalized anxiety disorder that works great with agoraphobia.

I am being screened for high functioning autism.

Remember, it's okay to be open about your problems ^^

Looking at my post history and my own head journal I've realized that I have anxiety spells at the same frequency as before when I'm exposed to the triggers.

The important part is I'm more aware of it, avoid many of the triggers, and generally more in control of how it is expressed, and manage it in a much healthier, not-as-energy-projecting way.

In the end I suppose I've learned we never truly get over a lot of our issues, we just get a lot better at not letting them completely control us.