Veladynee Amaren @Veladynee@awoo.space

My Raspberry Pi has arrived. Time to disappear for the next few months tinkering. rip me.

I am on a day schedule at work for some training.

I am greeted with the chirping of birds, lots of good mornings and smiles. And the warm glow of the sun shining on my face as I take care of morning tasks.

It's absolutely dreadful.

I'm glad delivery grocery services exist because it allows me to avoid one of my major anxiety triggers.

When I meditate, I'm always at the same location. Sometimes when I dream it is there too.

It is a shore with pebbles and darkened sand, with cliffs to the left and right. A steady rain, thunder. The waves are rough and almost as exciting as the storm itself. The rain stings with every powerful gust. It's warm yet the water is chill. It is night, and only the faint glow of one of the moons is visible.

In the distance, to my left along the shore and up a cliff is a ruin of some kind. Old, mostly overtaken by moss and roots, with the land beneath slowly returning, bit by crumbling bit, to the ocean beneath.

It is the place I always end up. Where my guides take me. Sometimes others, occasionally faces I remember from before are in the distance, diving down from that cliff perch into the water, thrilled with the energy of the storm.

I do not recognize it from my memories last life but it is familiar. And that familiarity feels old, almost sad in a way. But all of my memories feel old, very old and long ago.

I figured that was interesting enough to share.

I want to go swimming or diving but I'm too crippled by body confidence issues to wear any sort of swim suit. :/

Hi everyone, my name is Veladynee and I'm afraid of people. I'm also a fish.

Welp, now I'm officially 30. This feels weird.

I also need to get out of the habit of -constantly- re-editing what I say because I'm terrified of being misunderstood. Fuck my brain being the way it is, seriously.

Now back to your regularly scheduled postings.

I wish explaining my emotions or thoughts was easier and wasn't just me bumbling through trying to word them.

Most recent example is trying to explain my positive feelings towards my own boyfriend and provide thoughts and re-examining the conversation and how I approach it is so... ugh. I'm at least glad they are understanding but... Go me.

Expressing emotions or deeper thoughts have always been a challenge for me, because its hard for me to word them. A mix of hiding them and a mix of just not fully understanding how to conceptualize them in full...

Emotions are messy, and are not super logical, and anything to do with them used to be a major anxiety point... Still is, but thankfully not as bad now that I've been forcing myself to be a little more open.

Realizing me being exhausted exacerbates issues with communication I already have, mostly in reading too much into context or being concerned about my lack of grasping it leading to conclusions and finding social cues easier to miss.

For those interacting just have a bit more patience and be very clear and precise so I can easily parse. Thank you ^^

Socializing is hard. x.x

Mmmmm... Internet outage during my prime time, time to tether and be grump.

Feeling birdy today. Chirp

Always so much to do, so little time. @.-.@