chronic illness (-)
i feel like i’m a broken record, but at apt description of my day-to-day is: the worst pain you have ever experienced, except much worse than that, without stop, all day. then you add uncontrollable muscle spasms, tremors, migraines, fatigue, and weakness.
the only way i can describe this is that i’m being held captive and kept in a state of agony all the time. this is not pleasant. the only truth here is that talking about this only ends with distressing other people.
chronic illness (-)
part of the problem with chronic pain is that over time your brain will think it is receiving pain signals because that is all your nerves are sending. this is true, but there is also a conscious change in not being able to understand and appropriately respond to pain. that is something i don’t know how to do anymore, like, i’m not sure how i’m supposed to react when i’m always in pain to start with.
chronic illness/suicide (-)
this is torture, and i want it to stop. i feel like i am entitled to have at least that, but everyone says otherwise. i’m told since it isn’t something terminal, they won’t do everything to treat it. i’ll get sectioned for suggesting that death is better than pain. it’s frightening to no longer feel in control of yourself and also have your agency taken away because of the morality that pain is good and healthy.
chronic illness (-)
fuck, i’m trying to figure out how to process the fact that holding things for any length of time makes me hurt, because i’m unconsciously tensing my muscles so that i don’t tremor and shake as much and that causes a lot of stress to be put on my already weak and deteriorating body.
chronic illness (-)
nothing about this is pretty or easy and i am so over being told to exercise when i can barely stand, that joining a support group will make me feel better, or how being more mindful of my pain will make it easier to manage.