Demi @demi@awoo.space

bleeeeh, i am tired and too warm and i need to eat something so i can take my anxiety med :(

while i do like that masto is open source, i feel like any open source project of sufficient size must be run by a committee rather than a single person heading the project. i definitely know that is hard and unpaid labor but for the health and direction of the project, it is necessary.

the only real downside to this is that i have nobody to play commander with locally. hell, i could probably supply some decks if people were interested.

i really love building commander decks. can i make unfun 60-cars constructed decks in modern, yeah. but those are almost mean to play against. why would i do that when i can do something fun with commander?? #mtg

also my solstice of heroes shirt arrived yesterday! i’m sad that i wasn’t able to finish all the triumphs (only missing a spire clear) but it was because of my health being so poor lately that i’m okay with 380 points instead of 400. #gaming #destiny2 https://awoo.space/media/YeNoLJeocUhBeGrmiZg

yeeeesssssss, i was able to solo the pyramidion nightfall earlier today and that felt real good. made it without using a sword this time! #destiny2

aaaaaaaaa, finally; vol 8 seems to have ended well, comparatively. this would be so much better without that brat matsuri ಠ_ಠ

citrus vol 8 arrived today and i get to read it tomorrow, am v excite

nothing about this is pretty or easy and i am so over being told to exercise when i can barely stand, that joining a support group will make me feel better, or how being more mindful of my pain will make it easier to manage.

fuck, i’m trying to figure out how to process the fact that holding things for any length of time makes me hurt, because i’m unconsciously tensing my muscles so that i don’t tremor and shake as much and that causes a lot of stress to be put on my already weak and deteriorating body.

this is torture, and i want it to stop. i feel like i am entitled to have at least that, but everyone says otherwise. i’m told since it isn’t something terminal, they won’t do everything to treat it. i’ll get sectioned for suggesting that death is better than pain. it’s frightening to no longer feel in control of yourself and also have your agency taken away because of the morality that pain is good and healthy.

part of the problem with chronic pain is that over time your brain will think it is receiving pain signals because that is all your nerves are sending. this is true, but there is also a conscious change in not being able to understand and appropriately respond to pain. that is something i don’t know how to do anymore, like, i’m not sure how i’m supposed to react when i’m always in pain to start with.

i feel like i’m a broken record, but at apt description of my day-to-day is: the worst pain you have ever experienced, except much worse than that, without stop, all day. then you add uncontrollable muscle spasms, tremors, migraines, fatigue, and weakness.

the only way i can describe this is that i’m being held captive and kept in a state of agony all the time. this is not pleasant. the only truth here is that talking about this only ends with distressing other people.

oh for fucks sake; i think i just pulled a muscle in my throat. this is stupid 🙄😑

small example of how much effort i need to put into existing right now: having to tense my hands and arms if i plan to use my phone for any length of time, as to hold off the tremors. this adds stress on top of my already weak and deteriorating muscles. it hurts.

i feel like i’m going to die; all the time. i want this all to stop, i want to be done — allowed to rest.