SO UH. UPDATE.
Forgot about the internet thing.
I decided to test it just now and uh...
Remember how yesterday I said my download speed topped out about 3.9 Mbps?
Reaching 19Mbps today. Goshhecko. That's not even a "slowly ramping up to that", it's just "BAM HERE WE GO MAX SPEED TIME TO PUT ON EUROBEAT AS WE SURF ONLINE TOKYO DRIFT"
@Nine ive started actually getting my advertised speeds since i got an external wifi antenna and used a USB extension to put it behind the pipes in my cupboard, thus circumventing the thing that was shielding my room from the internet (and avoiding having to use my ageing, unstable powerline adapters)