I think I've found terms of compromise with my current guilt and self-loathing.
It's not shameful to have a rough day, let a friend accidentally get under your skin, and lose your shit. It's not shameful to have a failure of brain maintenance. Embarrassing, but not shameful.
It would have been shameful not to do anything about it once friends pointed out, uhh, maybe this is not a neurologically proportional or unscary reaction to a shitty day and mmmaybe get yourself in the brainshop?
And this doesn't have to be a narrative of being kicked out in shame. You were offered hugs the next day by THE PERSON WHO KICKED YOU OUT. This is a necessary and overdue logistical reshuffle, not a punishment, not an exile, but a huge lift of a neurological burden on both someone you care about and YOU.
So... brain, are we good? You stop kicking me and I quit dragging you back to the scene of the crime? These people will let us know if this sounds totally batshit narcissist crazy...
...and in the meantime maybe you can get a fresh start and try to work out what about that social environment was so disastrous for you. If there were never any such thing as an environment in which you feel comfortable, outgoing, safe, and creative... WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE STILL TALKING TO YOU?
They're not going to let you go home to Possum Springs and disappear forever. We can turn the panic level down a little and FOR GODS SAKE CAN WE STOP PICKING AT IT FOR A WHILE.
