ugh

this place is so welcoming and friendly but i sabotaged my ability to be real on @chr@cybre.space by getting too large of a following

so instead i'm going to ramble here on my furry alt

i...should not have started a mastodon instance. i was 100% committed before cybre.space and now i'm way overextended

and now i'm fixating on what i can only conceive to be a defect where i impulsively jump onto any project that seems interesting without giving a thought to my existing commitments

this happens to me on a somewhat regular basis. mastodon is just the latest, and somewhat more intense, iteration

i know how to look at the positive aspects of it and i know why i'm feeling depressed about it (i haven't been getting enough sleep) but despite my best efforts i can't quite catch up to everything and feelings demand to be expressed, so here we are

i thought mastodon was going to be great because i could abandon the carefully curated persona i developed on birdsite, but then i got 800 followers

doesn't matter how welcoming this place is, my brain flips out at that number and doesn't let me post anything remotely vulnerable or risky

and meanwhile being an instance admin is turning out to be a much bigger thing than i thought it was going to be, and i keep being terrified of screwing up and pissing people off or breaking things

and because i'm not fucking omniscient and have this other overcommitted life i mentioned, i keep worrying i'll miss important things, like

what instances need to be blocked to avoid federating with assholes, what problems are happening on the server that might be my fault,

fuck it whatever i'm entding this rant here because it's not accomplishing anything worthwhile

i'm just pointing out problems i already know about

i already know the solution, i need to hire another moderator and step back from cybrespace for a while and go to bed before 2am for fucking once