diet dr. nasty @pinkplasticwineglass@awoo.space

@pinkplasticwineglass i like wont let myself acknowledge thoughts that arent "evidence based" because i think theyre stupid and im stupid but it doesnt help to do that bc i feel them regardless. im a shitty selfish person whose friends are way too forgiving and im never going to be around people that make me happy

@pinkplasticwineglass im so mean to myself and ive been trying really hard for years but i just hate myself and being alive.

@pinkplasticwineglass
i dont like myself and i dont understand why. it feels like my brain is just broken in the spots that are supposed to hold the thoughts that tell you youre worth something because literally every thought i habe or thing i do i get really uncomfortable with or frustrated with myself and think im immature and embarrassing and not worth being alive

i dont know how to express how much pain im in constantly. everything hurts. im scared. i feel alone. i dont really understand how to deal with this so i am just hurting

acknowledging myself as a traumatized person opens me up to further dehumanization which is hard

its hard to explain me. i dont talk to people. i dont touch people. i spend as much time alone as possible. this would be different if i lived with kitlin or vegas or proxy or something but even then its not just "oh im an introvert." its more like, being around other people makes me feel sick and worthless. i need a level of control in my environment that being around other people isnt conducive to

@pinkplasticwineglass while my brain was still developing people were inconceivably cruel to me and thats baked into how im going to experience the world regardless of how much i figure myself out. im poorly socialized, im never going to be able to tolerate human company the way most humans are able to

if i get over myself and acknowledge that im one of Those traumatized people that is incompatible with most things considered normal for an adult human i can make some good progress

jesus i need to actually share things with other humans bc im flailing in the dark and i need support and to be understood. i dont really trust anyone not to look at me and go "youre deeply disturbed and thats disgusting"

*mortimer voice* im not psychotic i just worry about aliens taking me while i sleep or my friends reading my mind or strangers purposefully infecting me with mind poison that turns me into a predator

i cant help but wonder if one of my friends isnt flirting with me in a roundabout way. if its true im not opposed to it at all because they are VERY prettyhandsome and are my friend. however, we are both repressed, unfortunately

@pinkplasticwineglass it just feels like i dont matter at all and that im a hysterical survivor whos making unreasonable demands of other people and i feel disgusting and unstable and subhuman and idiotic. worse than i was last year.

@pinkplasticwineglass i feel like im overreacting all the time and being a huge idiot for thinking that maybe its a bad idea to fetishize rape and i feel dehumanized so much. and like i dont and cant matter at all to anyone. it would help if i engaged with fandom culture less and i do im less involved than ive been in my entire life but i just want to ENJOY THINGS

man everyone sucks and i dont. understand. i didnt live through all that so i could live in daily fear of people being fucking demons. im blowing it out of proportion but it feels like everyone has a fucking rape fetish and genuinely nothing makes me want to die more i dobt feel safe i feel fucking disgusting for being someones fetish

i dont know why i stay up when i was to krill myshell but thats what happens

@pinkplasticwineglass like ive basically always had to take care of myself by myself because my parents were the first people to traumatize me and im fucking exhausted and need a shoulder to cry on but instead im touch starved alone in college and sometimes get thrown violently back into being a kid again by an episode and i cant.im having trouble

im really dumb cuz i read fanfiction now and im fucked up because i read one with like this gay guy being age regressed and beimg thrown back in to his childhood trauma and he had people there for him durimg and after. and i really enjoyed it, it was a bit cathartic but also im just sick and mad because no one ever came to rescue me

@pinkplasticwineglass i dont really know why im like this because ive purposefully blocked out so much of what ive been through. its like its... in ice, really heavy with me always, but i cant see through to its colors or shape, its just there being heavy and hurtinh me while almost invisible beyond its weight

@pinkplasticwineglass my friend just sent me a link to a website about did thats really respectful and sympathetic and it gives me really mixed feelings. because i need to hear that im not horrible crazy but i feel like i dont deserve like permissiom to have did and not be really self hating. like that im not supposed to read that and apply the kindness to myselg

@pinkplasticwineglass
and it was really weird to me because i want to hear that im not crazy and not an awful child for this so fucking bad but i also feel like i didnt explain well enough to her what happened because what happened to me was excusable and normal